[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
You Might Also Like
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
quarantine day 3
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
A game married people play.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.