A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
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I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
New tinder profile pic