I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
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(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
they really do be looking like this
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU