PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
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the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?