20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
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Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.