ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
You Might Also Like
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
we’re dead?
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
“You’d better run, egg!”