The French cow says MEUX…
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If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
(2022)
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?