Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
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I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.