Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
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Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Stop it! 😂
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien