*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
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Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Feels like there should be a middle ground