“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
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Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
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The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.