I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
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DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
British websites use biscuits.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.