Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
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Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.