Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
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Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.