One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
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Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Botany good plants lately?
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great