Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
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Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!