*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
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POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me