Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
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Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Jurassic park gets weird
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?