Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
You Might Also Like
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Just had my nails done!
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.