You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
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Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire