Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
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“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die