awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
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A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement