“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
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Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.