[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
You Might Also Like
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.