A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
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Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Just parrot things
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.