Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
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I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
When they try to steal your moment.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.