I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
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Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
put ‘er there pardner!
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.