Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
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Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.