A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
You Might Also Like
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Geez man, take it easy.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
LMAO.
My typo game is string.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Breaking news:
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.