My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
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*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up