Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
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Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
They’re not wrong
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
*lint rolls you awake*
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.