I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
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We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”