One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
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Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
*names my little horse OneTrick*
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?