If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
You Might Also Like
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.