Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
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I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!