Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
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My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs