Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
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I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.