BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
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[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.