More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
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IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
$3 #books
Love this one 😂🧟
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Donkey Kong sommelier
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.