The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
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Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Doug is just Canadian for dog
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.