Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
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Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit