Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately