Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
You Might Also Like
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.