DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
You Might Also Like
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.