me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
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I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
The only equipped I am is ill.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing