Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
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Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Merry Christmas
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230