very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
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has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.