Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
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My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
don’t we all
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
guys i’ve cracked the code
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.