Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
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Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.