[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
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Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.